a personal anything-under-the-sun journal of a seventeen year old colegiala who finds summer by day and stars by night
Until you have finally flown away.
Paranoia is seeping until into the smallest crevices in my mind. Despite logic proving my paranoia misplaced, I find myself obsessing every night and in between “regular” thinking.
I know it is borderline pathetic, because there is no reason to panic. To be quite honest, if I didn’t have a heart I wouldn’t have this conflict to begin with. Though my mind understands how illogical I’m acting, my heart has to feel it. I know it.
This paranoia will make crevices in a collection of crevices called my brain. I will breathe this in. This will be my constant reminder.
And for everything else, there’s always my phone…which just rang right now. Okay, okay! It’s 6 am. Cut it out.
The emptiness leaves me and I’m filled up. I never need to go back to the way I was.
Somehow, I know there’s still a void. But as each day passes, I find myself feeling more complete than yesterday.
Saying (and showing) how you love someone is never confined by those three little words. I love how it’s in the way you look someone, or the way you react to the things he say. It’s in everything. After every day, I find my vision getting less and less clouded.
Ever since I felt how it is to be loved romantically by someone else, I found myself craving for it. It was what drove me to make some of my choices. After three good (and long) years, I am now (somewhat happily) single. And for the first few days it felt like rehab. It felt like depriving yourself of a necessity. But the singleness makes you realize that you’re loved in other ways too—and it will be more enough when you see it.
Romantic love isn’t the only kind of love out there. And now I realized it’s not the most sustainable one either. Never rely your happiness on it, because it will always be fleeting. No one stays forever romantically in love with the other person. It evolves into something else, something much more deeper and serious.
This is a cheesy one, but I cannot not do it. I’m so thankful for everyone and everything and how people around me care. Not necessarily love, but care. And it’s quite more than enough for me.
Today, I am loved. And I am happy. :)
For the past 2 years, I’ve been using my favorite scent ever as my perfume. I’m not to tell how this scent became by favorite, but long story short it’s my favorite summer scent for all year round. I’ve consumed almost 5 bottles of it and I never told anyone about it.
But after a while, I realized it’s not healthy I keep using things that remind me of you. So, last night my mom helped me search for a new everyday scent. I’m wearing it right now, and this one reminds me of her. She used to smell like this when I still in preschool. Mom would pick me up and I always loved hugging her because she had that scent.
I loved my old perfume. To be really honest, I’m kind of jealous you owned it first. It aches when I smell the scent, because it is your scent. The next time I want to smell it, I want it to be from you.
Not that it’s ever going to happen.
All the crazy shit I did last night, those will be the best memories for me.
For the love of god, I got so drunk last night. What I hate the most is I still fucking remember every little shit I did.
I lost something important to me yesterday…
It was a Friday night, I flew from my class to my alma mater to film birthday greetings for my friend’s debut. After 2 hours, we decided to have drinks and get loose as a celebration for the end of the week.
We talked about boys and life and perspectives. I drank what I think is around 5 bottles, but they say I drank more than that. I finally was able to satisfy my craving, but apparently I had to pay for it.
I was pretty sure I put my phone in my pocket. I remember it vividly because the person I was with reminded me to. I got in the car, and we drove back home. I don’t remember hearing it fall to the ground, nor do I remember anything else after… But I am preeeeeetty sure I grabbed my phone before we left.
And now I’m phone-less. The sad part is I have to attend a debut tonight, and I have to coordinate with the debutant’s mother—only I don’t know any other way to. It’s keeping me stressed especially since people around me keep bringing it up. I’m sad my favorite phone (ever) has departed. Despite my to catching when it falls, or my impatience, it stuck with me…until I got too tipsy…
I will miss you, Sky. You are my first love, and you will always be irreplaceable (unless they give me an iPhone for my grief). Thank you for the 3 (almost 4) years of being the extension of my hand.
Thankful that this stressful week has come to its final week day. I’m very much excited to cap off everything with drink and friends this Saturday! I honestly can’t wait to get intoxicated. I’ve been craving the feeling ever since things started going haywire again. I haven’t been given the chance until now, so this is going to be a long overdue tipsy night.
I can’t wait to just let loose and let everything get the best of me. I might be capable of finishing what seems like too ambitious work, but I am still only human.
This week would’ve felt more like hell had my friends been absent. I might have completely cut connections from the people I usually bear my soul to, but I’m happy that the universe never conspires to make anyone miserable. It always gives you a ray of hope. (Hello, new old friends and old new friends!)
What I need to cap this night off with is a really good night’s slumber. I find myself needing caffeine everyday just to keep my eyes open during class. I might need to rethink my weekday routine (especially now that you’re not a part of it.)
I saw these two men on a bench in a park. The first one was attempting to fix his earphones. He looked very confused with the knot it has made. The one beside him has his arm around him while he was observing the man untangle the wires. He seemed amused by how human and how real the person was beside him.
I know that look—I have let myself go through the joys of life, and look at the boy I love in the eyes like he’s the tangled earphones I was trying to fix.
I felt alive for all the right reasons—it’s been a long time since the last one. I’ve always felt like I was a fish without fins, letting myself be dragged by all these currents in all directions.
But nothing brings me alive the most than your lips.
I’ve been home for just 2 hours. I must get used to this.
So little time, so much to do. I’d rather spend my days with you.
I am so relieved to finally get what I’ve been waiting for. The anticipation has killed me thrice these past few weeks, and I’m glad it’s done. I’m never going to put myself in that position. Ever. Again. (I’m not to say, but I promise I’m swearing on this for as long as I can.)
I had an org duty day today. I still feel unsure about my feelings about my current disposition, but so far I’m having fun. I hope I can still manage my duties despite my fully loaded academic schedule.
It feels like I’m spreading myself too thin, and it’s just the 3rd week of classes. I might need to cut down on my extracurricular activities, and cut all kinds of social activities until I can breathe.
I have so much direction, I go all ways.
I’ve had you so many times but somehow I want more.
I’m about to brave the third week of the semester, and somehow it still feels like it just started. I’ve been trying to rid myself of the illusion that semester break just ended and that I still have the hangover. The reality is I just wish it didn’t end…just like most things in my life.
I’ve been toying with the idea of setting up my own online shop since I was still in high school. My mom disapproved of my business proposal since she felt like I was still too immature to handle it on my own. I’ve relived the idea in my head a couple of weeks back to give aid to my fund raising for college funds in general.
This time around, my mom is willing to support me. She says all the responsibilities will be my own, so if I think I’m ready for it, then she’ll approve. I always find myself brainstorming for it during my daydream moments. I’m determined to actually push this through, especially since I need the money.
If I get really lucky, I might open it this Christmas break. Chances are, though, it won’t be up until next year. There are so many aspects of the business you have to think about. Most of the time I doubt my idea. I feel like it’s too tedious a job for a college student looking for a sideline.
What keeps me believing is that I have a market for it, especially if I find the right sources. If I’m able to sustain it for a year, I’ll probably get a lot out of it.
Like most things, great outcomes must come from hard work, and I’m not oblivious this project will add 3 more units to my already 28 unit semester (21 units for acads + 1 unit for PE + 3 units for the org). I really want to push through with it, but I’m still debating whether or not this idea is the kind that’s good in your head, but really is a bad reality.
I always go back and forth with my decisions. Hopefully I get to make solid ones I can actually stand by with this one.