a personal anything-under-the-sun journal of a seventeen year old colegiala who finds summer by day and stars by night
Trying to vent out my emotions through pouring it onto someone else, even if it’s starting to get out of hand. I am currently a humongous ball of desperation and despondence that I don’t know what to do.
God damn it, I always feel like I made the wrong choice—where after “redoing” my actions regret it immediately after. I wish I could stop the feelings and just…lie there. And be contented.
I feel so perplexed. I wonder where you are.
Until I sleep
I wish we didn’t need saving.
I find that if there’s things that will kill me, it’s the little things all combined together. Most of the time, if you keep chanting to yourself that you can make it and keep reminding yourself to have a positive outlook, you can overcome the big things in life. Those are the bumps that people keep warning you about, and therefore have tried to cushion the blow.
But it’s the little things in life that kills me inside, little by little. It’s the small imperfections, flaws, wrong doings—all piled up together. I…can’t explain. It kills me.
I died today. No one mourned for me.
Deviating from the normal tone of my posts, I wanted to tell a story on a lighter, more hey-guess-what note.
I realize lately that I have only been eating two meals a day with very minimal snacking for the last two weeks. Mostly the reason is that lately I’ve been waking up two hours … after lunch time. Not complaining about the new and somewhat unhealthy sleeping pattern, but I am complaining about ALWAYS BEING HUNGRY at the most inconvenient times.
I eat so little for the first quarter of my day after I wake up. Do the small little tasks I never get to do on a regular day (i.e. clean the room, become inspired to grow more spiritually/emotionally/physically/-ally) and then eat dinner.
Usually I eat bread for dinner. Not that I’m not a diet but because I prefer bread. And lately aside from eating less, I’ve been eating less rice too.
After dinner I go back to doing my small tasks … and procrastinating all that as I stare at the screen of my laptop for hours.
I find the need to close my eyes somewhere around past midnight (just like right now). But a few hours before (and sometimes after) that my stomach acts so angrily! I get violent stomach growls and have so much cravings!
I just got back to my room after eating a shit load of lettuce with corned tuna (just to give it a little flavor; I mean I like lettuce but not JUST lettuce). I’ve been doing this for the past two weeks!
This is the most unusual eating pattern I’ve had ever. And the most inconvenient one too.
Yup, something that you now know but don’t care about.
I kept the first six pictures from my camera on my hard drive. I got it on January. The first one was a test in the store—a picture of my mom. The next two were of the brown dreamcatcher you gave me for Christmas. The next two were (extremely shameful) selfies. And the last one….
Well, the last one I am so surprised about. It was a picture of my old phone—the one I loved so much that I was so sad not to get the exact same model as a replacement. On the phone was a conversation…between us. It’s so unusual to see it now because the idea of us talking seems so distant.
I am completely heartbroken about the all-or-nothing rule that has been cast between us. I feel like our relationship was born to be…just…in between all and nothing. I still wish I could share with you the moments when I feel only you can understand me the most.
I don’t miss the love and the complications and how maybe we could be all instead of nothing.
Damn it, I just miss my best friend.
Also, I want to cry, because hormones.
To be quite honest, this would be /so much/ easier if you were here and we were talking and things weren’t as complicated as we are now. You get a part of me no one else does, and I miss that.
I keep believing that the other people can fill in for you, and for some parts they can. But, it’s never quite like how you do it. And I miss that.
Frankly though, I only miss that. When you look at it overall, I only miss /that/. Just that. And never the whole of … well, that.
There’s so much this and that. I wonder had it been here and now, it would be so much different—so much complex really.
I miss you. But I /just/ miss you now. And if it’s any consolation, I really really terribly dream-of-it miss you.
I wonder if you feel the same way.
wow I realize how I’m super unhappy
I spend a lot of my times browsing blogs of other people, listening to their mind. I mean, if you think about it, it’s like it’s their mind you’re talking to without boundaries and hesitations. and it’s nice.
It’s a completely different getting-to-know-you. You see what they’re interested in, what they think, how they word themselves.
When I look at my blog, I feel sad. I keep talking about heartache and misfortunes too much that it’s definitely making me think about my outlook.
Maybe it’s because I find shelter in this blog. This is my “emotional sanctuary”. This blog was meant to be my sad outlet in life. I wonder if I made a different kind of blog, would I be able to sustain the theme I want to go for?
Fashion/lifestyle blogs are so in now. To be quite honest, I can’t sustain one. first off, I’m not rich enough to make myself look fashion forward or luxurious. Second, I don’t have the time to dress myself up in the morning and take pictures of myself! Come the start of the academic year I’ll be rolling outta bed and into class without brushing my hair, even.
So if I were to make a new blog, and try to sustain it, I wonder what “voice” I’ll find. Before, to be honest, I was bent on trying the fashion/lifestyle lane. I mean, if I can pull off sharing notable everyday happenings in my life, sure. But 76.82% of my time, I study. For the rest of the remaining time I sleep, eat, and do nothing notable.
Then I wanted to make an LB blog. I have always been in love with Los Baños, and it felt like people need to know the hidden gems and stones in LB. I mean, think of the flock of people that come here when the academic year starts! Even before that. The blog could be, like, almost an ambassador for this beautiful town. Then I’d have to go places and highlight them on my blog?
But that would take so long to do! What interesting should I say, do? And I only sustain blogs for two months, lose interest for five, and then come back.
Maybe someday, I’ll find my “voice”. Maybe not.
Maybe I’ll be the next best thing you’ll ever see?